Want to break up with your girlfriend but don’t know how to approach this issue to succeed with minimal losses? So why not make her break up with you? We have five disgusting, but effective ways that will free up your living and personal space.
1) Show her that you’re a weirdo
No, we’re not talking about those lovely quirks she probably loves you for. We’re talking about large-scale passive-aggressive behaviour which is always an excellent means of scaring away unwanted women.
The first step on the road to insanity is paranoia. Keep showing your girlfriend that you don’t trust her, your friends, and the society. The courier didn’t deliver the order on time? Surely he was intercepted by the Illuminati, who opened the box and put a recording device into that new player you ordered so that the reptiloids could spy on you in the shower! You’re limited only by your imagination.
The next stage is jealousy. You already behave like you’re paranoid, so this should look like a natural development of events. Every guy she communicates with should become her new or potential lover to you. Answer her calls and ask for the passwords to all her mailboxes and social media accounts. And don’t forget to be weird: be angry with her when she wants to give you a massage and cook a delicious dinner for you. When she asks you to explain your behaviour, blame endocrine diseases, a pituitary tumour, or something else that will come to your head at that moment.
2) Keep your browser open all the time
Ideally, you should always use her laptop and never clean the history and leave pages like planet of brides or “How to keep the inner serial killer inside” open. You can also write a letter to some psychologist, starting with the words “I don’t feel anything but the burning thirst for blood.” You need to fill your computer, her computer, your smartphones and tablets with stuff like this. Be patient. And if you do not have time to wait, then just leave this page open. It won’t take long for her to react.
3) Become the most pretentious guy on earth
From now on, you must become more demanding than the Queen of Great Britain and Gordon Ramsey combined. Remember: all the things surrounding you must be super exclusive, everything must be placed strictly for good Feng Shui, and your vocabulary should have a lot of mysterious words normal people don’t understand.
4) A sudden change of sexual preferences
She won’t be able not to break up with you if you say that you love her, but your genitals have the opposite opinion. Quite a cruel excuse, but it’s perfect for such a lazy ass like you. You’ll still have to go through a difficult conversation, but at least you won’t have to say “I think we should date other people.” In case she doesn’t fall for your lies, you can always blame the confusion with your sexual preferences. Say that you need a break to understand your conflicting desires or that you had a similar experience before, and, apparently, you can’t escape from yourself. The worst scenario: she’ll accept you as you are, and she’ll want to experiment with two guys in the bed.
5) Study your genealogical tree and make “a shocking discovery”
Know how to photoshop? Good. Then you’re ready for a new desperate step! Find a couple of hours to create a high-quality genealogical tree showing that you two are actually relatives. If she starts accusing you of lying to her, say something like “People all over the world have illegitimate kids! And you’re telling me that it’s impossible for this Russian plumber to be your real father?!” The wall of your logic built on irrefutable evidence can’t be destroyed. It’s time for her to pack her stuff. Of course, it would be much easier to just go to her and say “You know, I want to break up with you because I don’t think you’re attractive,” but it’s just impolite.